IND Depression HOT line…

‘A trap is always proceeded

by one’s own choice of entrance.’

(p.410) HCOB 29 May 1956 by L.R.Hubbard

‘ A teammate is someone who assists the overwhelming of the enemy. Aberration is mainly the overwhelming of teammates (wrong target). They succeed in the ratio that they can define their game and overwhelm the proper enemy for each game. Marriage fails only because the game get confused between husband and wife.’ (p. 353)
Administrator 3 April 1956 ( Red Volume III)

It is not a surprise to find devastated and overwhelmed people in the Independents and ex Scientologists fields.
As any good 1.1 would do, the Church of Scientology is doing a very good job to abuse their staffs and parishioners in a such a way that they end up devastated with not real proofs of the abuses, confused and feeling depressed, and without stable data and/or certainties.
Many, I say many of us, have experienced as a result, what depression is.
People that were not so lucky to have a family or a husband or a wife to support them or back them up, have found themselves drowning into the deep water of loneliness and degradation.
Depression is probably the most difficult thing to heal.
To make it worse there are those  unaware of the magnitude of pain a person in depression undergoes, of the difficulties she has in getting up every morning, of her inability to function even in the most simple routine, that expect you to jump out of it in a split of a second.
Nights are nightmares, the solitude, the silence and the thoughts that fill up ones mind, the moments of shock, the losses and the betrayals, seem lurking at you at the first moment of quiet. They hunt you.
And there are moments where you do not know where to go or where to hide, and the only thing  you wish would be to disappear.
To die does not take away the pain as it is, after all, psychological pain… Disappearing into a nothingness would be the only way to end any feeling or thoughts.
I tried to run away, I tried to go places but the pain follows me everywhere.
Some of us drink or take pills..
I don’t. I know it will prolong my healing process.
I brace up, hold on tie to the hope that the night will be over soon and  counting the minutes, I try to mock up a better future.
I felt lucky so many times to not have a gun or sleeping pills or poison at hands…
I count the minutes to see my counselor which does miracles any session.
Sometimes I carry on just because I feel I do not want to give a loose to the people who have been helping through all this.
I can see the church people saying: “You see, she attacked the church and she ended up killing herself”!
or “the auditing in the field didn’t work…”
Nothing can be further away from the truth!
Depression started way before, while in the church. Is a sickness that was caused by them in the first place by the use of Black Scientology.
Mine was a team work.. my ex, Frank Zurn advices to him, some other church terminals and me, when I agreed to enter this beautiful attractive trap.
A deceiving illusion of truth and freedom. A symbol of loyalty that was never there in the first place.
And those very people who have slammed you down to the bottom are there showing how well they are doing to the whole world, and how miserable you are.
They shoot at you and while you are in a paddle of blood screaming of pain, they look at you with contempt, promoting to others their peace and happiness, pointing out that is something you do not have…
This is such a messed up universe.
Luckily  for me there is the tech, every session I get is a major win, and some big chunk of my case are blowing away… case I will never have again.
But it takes time and a lot of work.
It takes what it takes, the important thing is to not let go in the darkest moments.
LRH says
“the worse the case shape the lighter the touch”.
It is pure care and love that will get us out, our strength to not give up and our ability to acknowledge every single win, no matter how small.
Those precious people that remind us of a better future, that are able to make us see a sunrise in a deep dark night.
My friend Aida today ask me to post a note telling every one with suicidal thoughts to contact us for help.
There are many people here willing to assist.

The last thing to do is to be alone, even if it is probably what most of us in this condition do best.
But it is important to have the strength to reach out.
Tomorrow we can be of hope to others!

e-mail for help to:


  1. Thank you Sylvia, you said it! Yes, all the above. You can add this, knowing how people will talk in the group about you – ‘see told ya she was never part of us’, or some such thing. Esp those you wroteup as not standard tech, or policy. Those that tried to impinge on my life in a negative way and as if they had the *RIGHT* to do that to you, to enforce their thinking on you. Worse – picking it up what they are saying, people you have known for a long time. Making themselves ‘RIGHT about you’. Then, I think to myself, they are going to be completely screwed with black tech.

    But I think those that quit the gulag were more ‘part of the group’ than they are. We cared enough and could obnose more than they, tried to do something about it, and not go into denial. I was completely depressed IN the group. My FSM selectee as well. He was so relieved when I called him and said, _____, I quit the church. He laughed, and was so relieved, and felt so much better. Always problems within. And when my Dad visited, it was like ‘NORMAL’ came to visit, I felt my whole universe SHIFT, they way it was when I was at peace…like when I was growing up, and before I came IN the group. This posting touched my heart, you said the words I couldn’t come up with. Thank you.

  2. it is good to hear the truth

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