the only way out is the way through…

First of all I wish to thank all my friends that are there for me. THANK YOU!

Many people had advised me to put everything behind and forget about it.

I never felt good about pursuing that line of thoughts.

As LRH says “the only way out is the way through.”

I could just forget and find myself in the middle of this nightmare later on when something else will restimulated it.

It has been a thing of great magnitude.

As a OT i have tremendous power, when I protest or I put attention on the track it does not just bring  to life  an engram but a whole GPM (huge areas of Charge).

I have been very close to die many times, but also because I’m in the middle of running this “engram” out.

And i want to get it handle.

Sometimes it too overwhelming re experiencing the pain, to swim in the middle of that confusion and black mass, but two things can happen, 1) I succumb, 2) I get it handled and then I will be free of it forever.

It is not self-pity or being effect, even if that might seem so to few of you.

It is looking with the intention to as-is. If the guy stubbed me, that is what happen. He stubbed me.

Yes, it is good to have love and support during this moment because are intense, but I do not care for pity.

Love and understanding are very different from pity.

I’m going to make it through and I want the many people who are sitting in depression to know that they can do something about and they can heal, no matter what it takes and how low you will need to go before you actually get back on your feet.

When you run engrams you look also at out-points, you as -is by looking and re- experincing pain and other misemotions.

The fact that there is not justice is obnosys.

Now this does not give us the right to be out-ethics or to hurt others.

At the opposite, I think puts us in the position of taking even more responsibility for not going in agreement with out-ethics and to not let others abusing us or our friends in the first place.

I have been stuck in huge pain… in the middle of this “engram”.

It wasn’t blowing because there was a lie… I haven’t left the engram due to the pain, I have force myself to stay there and look, look.

During this time my life has been hell.

Yesterday I felt very upset, but has been very therapeutic to let it out.

I used to be punish by my ex for expressing that tone level. (he would deny affinity, communication and sex)

I was punished by org terminals every time i was  expressing my disagreements.

But I listened to the advice of a dear friend and I did let my upset out. It felt really good.

I was telling a friend of mine with great upset that my most amazing moment (very few) of my life where with my ex. This did not make sense.

Here is a guy that was suppressing me, nullifying me, acting in a way to do something with the appearance of helping me and making sure I would get a lose.

Shopping for lingerie with him, instead to be a fun game, was a degrading experience where I was feeling like a prostitute. His thank you, after having prepared a wonderful dinner for him and his family, was arriving as an invalidation. I would  not have been surprised if he would have left me a tip.

He would deny me sex for days and than just before I was leaving to go to the internship he would touch me and get me aroused and telling me how much he wanted me to stay, just when I was about to leave.

And in the middle of all this, there were those incredible moments of love, like I have never experience before. He was the best lover I have ever had… but it was a show.

He was able to mock up this incredible affinity and in the middle of that having me promise  him eternal love. I thought that something like that must have been true. I was in deep confusion.

I realized that those moments were the points were I got stuck. Where a beautiful trap.

Than I could not leave, my love was huge and sincere, my promises were important to me and ment a lot.

When I finally realized that those humongous moments of pleasure were not real love, but a way  to overwhelm and trap (1.1) i finally felt most of the pain disappearing. There there was the lie.

He has been with me because I was flowing power to him like very few people could.


It has been so painful to be able to keep looking.

I woke up this morning and I looked like I have been run over by a truck.

Today in session I handled a bunch of service facsimiles.

Now my pain is gone.

Yes, I still feeling anxiety, and sadness, but no pain. That incredible pain that was making my life impossible, and wearing me out is for the most part GONE!

My havigness is going way up…

One step at the time.

I have a lot more to handle. I will complete my OT7 as  I was done in 2002 but never allow to attest. (I wasn’t selling books or participating with IAS/OT committee events).

When you are close to finish a step of the bridge or you are done with it, you have the next restimulated.  My OT 8. This has brought me to meet my oppterm.

😀 Funny.

Thank you for all the people who offered your support or that wrote to me. My auditors Aida and L.

Every single one of you helped me through this as-ising process of life. You theta added a great deal of positiveness to my universe. Thank you.

I feel I have a big family! I want you to know that I will always be there for any of you and my line of comm is open.

Silvia Kusada

is an OT7,  GAT class VI (SHSBC), FLAG trained class 5, class IV C/S

admin trained on OEC vol 0 and vol 7 and a permanent Ethic Specialist gold seal.

e-mail for help to:


1 Comment

  1. First, thank you Sylvia for being there and really communicating. I have walked this road you speak of, lived with pain and depression, rage, and sorrow and I moved through it to the other side. I am alive, very much alive, more alive than I ever dreamed possible. I have learned that there is no going back. There is only understanding of who I am in the world. And it is my world.

    What I understood as I traveled through my pain was that it was always my world. Such was my power that I could paint my whole world with my love and my dreams and make it utterly beautiful. What I did not understand was that I could just as easily paint my whole world with rage or depression or sorrow and make a world full of pain and despair.

    As I shifted my reality, and inspected my world, the elements that could not fit there fell away for they could not exist in my new reality. They had to go. That included just about every element that was in my life. I stood crying in agony, shocked to the bone, as everything imploded, collapsed, and fell to pieces around me. I cried for friends lost, for futures gone, for years of dedication gone like so much smoke. My faith in myself and in others shattered, right down to the ground and far below to the darkest moments in my life.

    And then, like a beautiful phoenix, I began to rise again from the ashes, creating a world I really wanted, one of compassion, of integrity, woven from sincere bonds of affinity.

    Yes, these unwanted elements are still in the world, but not in my world. I no longer create them and so they no longer influence my life.

    And Sylvia, there is justice. The price paid for acts of horror is very, very high and it takes the form of living an existence that is bereft of the awesome joy of true creation, the magnificence of beauty unparalled, the great depth and range of emotion fully experienced and the capacity for change, real change.

    My journey was taken alone. You are the first person that I have ever spoken to about this.

    Thank you for being so ALIVE! Thank you for being so COMMUNICATIVE. Thank you for sharing your universe with me. I love your universe, for it is big and free and powerful and full of energy and worlds becoming, worlds being.

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