And while walking away you find yourself lost in the middle of a sea of misemotions, feelings of failure, and the sensation to be nothing, worthless and not to count anything for anyone…

Feeling the love.

For the first time in my life I was driving home from a trip to Arizona and while driving I felt pervaded of love.

My independent friends, their admiration pervaded me like a cool breeze in a very hot summer night… the temperature was reading well over 110 F.

It was an amazing sensation as it was fighting against and winning over the sadness that at times still needling me mercilessly, this related to the past injustices and betrayals.

While tears where traveling quietly down my face, this mantle of love was giving me the certainty I was one of the luckiest persons in the world.

I knew that the love pervading me was real.

What we exchanged in Florida were not just fake smiles, polite hugs or compliments.

It was real affinity.

There it was my group. The ‘family’ many people like me have been waiting for or dreaming to have since they left their own to pursue the Scientology dream of freedom.

After all, what was behind the willingness to confront and endure sleeping in a bed full of bedbugs for months, or following asleep at the desk on post for couple of hours in the middle of the night because a project had to get done no matter what and there was no time to go home, or giving up your friends or your pets, any of your free time, enduring false accusations, abuses and humiliations, what was behind if not the pure desire to help others? To stand up unconditionally for what you thought was your group?

You have to be capable of huge affinity, determinations and love for others to persists your motive is pure and it is not covering up a selfish intention.

Love, the pleasure on making people succeeding and happy is inherent in some people.  You have to be capable of huge affinity, determinations and compassion for others in order to gather the courage and the strength to say NO MORE! in recognizing the lies and the psychological and physical violence and leave.

It is a huge decision and a demonstration of strength, as the majority of us were made to believe (by lies and as a method to entrap and enslave) we were letting go of what we thought was the only chance to total freedom, you let go of your agreement to a group that you wanted so much to be true but you just realized it has been just an illusion.

And while walking away you find yourself lost in the middle of a sea of misemotions, feelings of failure, and the sensation to be nothing, worthless and not to count anything for anyone…

How many times you have been told you were wrong, you were prevented for being yourself, and you were forced into a beingness you did not really want, this in order to fit and to make it through. For how long you felt you were just a wheel that could have been replaced at the first opportunity, no matter what your production was?

How long it is going to take to get over this condition of pain and betrayal… How many tears, how many hours spent alone.

And when you are strong enough to reach out and when you start looking out there where you were cunningly forbidden to look, all of a sudden it dawns on you that there IS life and WITH THAT YOUR FREEDOM.

You see so many hands of people that like you are reaching, aiming at other people hands.

Every stride toward truth and integrity contributes to your healing.

But something now has change, and that is you.

A normal life is not enough anymore; you want to help and fight shoulder by shoulder with a group, your group, with people like you.

And when we are together power gets generated by a natural incrementing  of affinity.

Our true intention get rehabilitated while our and other survival and energy multiplies.

I look at Marty, I do admire that man. Some people accuse him of having a bad past, of having committed crimes.

We all know where he was and whose orders he was executing, but the truth is that it is because of him that we formed the strongest group we could ever have. A group made of people with knowledge, courage and integrity…

In Tarpon Springs at that 4th of July reunion there were present some of the most powerful beings in this planet. People that working together can generate so much positive energy to pervade and handle any possible lie or violence in this planet.

With those people working together DM does not have a chance to survive in his black campaign of lies and manipulations and the tech can finally take a deep breath of relief and be there forever and for everyone.

Marty has started a chain reaction where every particle will contribute to save, keep alive and pass along standard tech despite of all.

We are winning!!



If you still in the church staff or public and you need help to get out, if you just left and you need help, please call or write to:


Silvia  Kusada  e-mail:


Aida Thomas: e-mail:


contact Aida Thomas in private.



Silvia Kusada

Class VI (SHSBC), Class IV C/S and OT 7.



  1. Wonderfully written!

    I miss you already, Silvia 🙂
    Just FYI (for your information)—It took me 2 years of almost constant
    “melt downs” (crying, sadness over the loss of all my old friends and husband
    of 27 years)–to finally come out of it.

    So be kind to yourself–and let yourself unfold.
    You’re one lovely lady.
    I’m happy I got to know you 🙂

    My very best to you,


    • Thank you for sharing this on my blog Tory,
      there are several people that are going through what you and I went through and it is nice that they know they are understood.
      I’m doing great now, but i could not have done it without all of you: my friends.
      lots of love to you!!

  2. Awesome blog! Keep up the great work! 🙂 Best to all!

  3. Sylvia,

    You get the BIG heart award. Love those eyes at the end. I’ve not met you in person but your loving presence shines through… imo, that’s the missing ingredient that makes for all the craziness.

    Recalling my leaving the church process, it was suggested that I look in the mirror every day and say “I love you.” After a couple of days while driving I had this out of the blue realization that I hadn’t been loving myself and was filled and surrounded with loving energy.


    • Beautiful process!! a must for anyone connected with the Church of $.
      I’m happy to know you doing well and i look forward for us to meet one day!

  4. Tank you for your courage and this blog Silva It must be supported

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