If it happens you should all know…

If it happens you should all know…


I will never take my own life.

After being very close to death due to my ex-partner’s physical violence, after having experienced a horrendous psychological deterioration over the years  due to the nullifications, perverted control, invalidation and threats from both the Church of $  and my ex (both very important elements in my life), I went into deep depression and I have been suicidal for the last 2 years. This ended last June 2010 when Aida Thomas, a fantastic Class VIII, put me in session and with pure love and the application of Standard tech got me out of that unbearable pain I was in.

Since than my spiritual journey has been a blessing.

I have been working every day with solo sessions and others auditors to rehabilitate myself… it has not been easy and some days have indeed been very tough. Who knows how many days I have cried, how many nights I spent awake in bed, how many ways I have fought to gather enough strength to go on …

… no matter how unreal is to others! It is your way!!

During these times I met few people

who are now very close, spiritually talking, to me.

I have found “home”, a family where for the first time

I can be myself without being punished.

I have been accused since very young to be selfish, because I dared to ask what I wanted.

I was punished for having my view-point. I have been accused by many of my friends or partners to be antagonistic when I was simply stating a different view-point.

… you are bad!!!

For years I thought there was something very wrong with me…

Even very recently in the Independent field MJ and his little group disconnected from me like I was a dangerous bitch. No comm or willingness to clarify what happen in their part beyond their lies to others.

These are the very people I helped beyond saying and they all acknowledged at one point or another how my energy and power had helped them improving their lives.

This has nothing to do with self-pity… it is an analysis of my life.

I love these people very very much and I do hope one day they are able to give up they little withholds, and reestablish a good comm and ARC which is after all the only thing I care.

I have done many things wrong myself, things these people would be so happy to blow up to giant proportions to show how evil I’m…

Just like the Church of $ is doing with whoever exposes their crimes.

What a game…

On my part I’m not interested to play any of this.

Today, I’m in a great place.

… the disintegration of lies on the whole track.

Mr Smith, was sitting down with me and telling me how just with his presence he used to piss off people. I laughed… I know exactly why, it has nothing to do with him.

He is an amazing guy… he is so theta and direct, he is one of these people you could call a “spiritual master”. In his space there are no games conditions, no fake beingnesses… there is an infinity of space. Yet, his power is unbearable to many.

His awareness and ability to read people thoughts misses inevitably their withholds.

No wonder why most of the greatest spiritual figures

have been murdered.

‘The time is always right to do what is right.” Martin Luther King

Well, during the last months I gradually got back into my basic purpose of Spiritual Freedom.

I have achieved more that I would have expected

to achieve this lifetime…

and the exciting thing is I just started this new journey.

Tons of charge gets released every session and my space is getting bigger and bigger. I’m getting stronger and stronger. Powerful.

I guess if I was restimulative before to many, right now I must really be unbearable to them.

Power. But power as knowledge, space… awareness.

Power as being here and perceiving.

That is what truly scares people to a point that they want to destroy you.

Today I talk. Against the many advices of my friends or threats from people who consider me an enemy, I  talk. I work toward truth, no matter what.

I’m aware that by posting and exposing truth I will be attacked, I will lose friends or become unpopular… and you know what ?

I do not care. I’m not afraid to die.

I have been face to face with death, with the shock related to the fact that death was being brought about by a person I loved more than myself.

This experience has given me a totally different viewpoint of life.

Things get the right weight…

This, after you realize that in a second or two, if he continues to squeeze, you could lose everything you have, your family, your kid, the people you love…

…some moments last forever.

A little more pressure for a little longer and your life will disappear into a nothingness. Silence.

So, every day when I write I think… “if what I say will help even only one person, I have done my job.”

I feel blessed to be alive,

because I’m now working on the right direction

achieving miracles every day.

But I’m getting stronger and powerful beyond belief and this upsets people.

There are certain liabilities connected with growing and getting stronger…

… simplicity is a rich beautiful silence.

If that happens, if my body disappears, you should know it is by someone else’s hand.

Not me.

So they know you know… 😀

I’m winning…

Today I’m living my life. Is not my life that is living me anymore.

I was lost for a while… but I found my path again.


Please find yours.

It is worth it!

Love you all sincerely.





we are here to help!!



If you are still in the church as staff or as public and you need help to get out, if you just left and you need help, please call or write to:


Silvia  Kusada  e-mail: SKusada2010@gmail.com


Aida Thomas: e-mail: dianaclass8@yahoo.com


contact Aida Thomas in private.



Silvia Kusada


Class VI (SHSBC), Class IV C/S and OT 8.




  1. Dearest Fairy. To be on the path, to attain spiritual freedom one walks alone. It is impassible to do any other ways. [ written in the Book of Knowledge.] For the fact, no matter what one do one is alone, others only can agree or not agree on what we do. No one can experience our experiences. [also in the Book of Knowledge.] We are alone, no matter what!! Not one being out there, knows what one needs to confront in ones own MEST Universe in order to survive and to win. To walk alone and to Solo that is Power and takes great will power to do so, much more than many of the gutles wonders who call them self Scientologiest, have. The most important thing one can do for self. To take responsibility for now and to confront the past with that one takes responsibility also for the future what ever that will be. To be cause over that is, what ever!!! That is OT. That is “In the Power” and if there is somebody out there in the twilight zone who do not like that, have a problem with that than we know where they are at. I believe it is called keyed in bank?? For the lovely beings auditing is recomended, lots of it. You are doing fantastic, because you are Fantastic, so dont let others tell you different. Fantastic is simply Fantastic. [I like that word it has great meaning!!] Much Love to you my Dear. Elizabeth.

  2. That’s what the church of Miscavige does and has been doing. They have been driving their own parishoner’s down into apathy, so that they do commit suicide.

    This is how they get out of taking any responsiblity for their actions. It’s easier for them, if you kill yourself, then they can say, see, it’s not us, it’s her or him.

    This is who these people are and I’m very glad that you found Aida Thomas. And I’m very glad that Aida is a strong independent scientologist, who has helped you.

    Silvia, you are not alone. I’ve been there. After what happened to me, in 1998, my heart was broken and I cried for 3 years, every day, sometimes 3-4 times a day. That’s all I could do was cry. Then one day, I got tired of crying and I pulled myself up by my bootstraps.

    The pain, didn’t go away, I just put it on the backburner. I was all cried out, but still in pain. Then last year, I took a journey and decided to confront it all. The good, the bad and the ugly and I made it through. The pain is gone, it has as ised, I found the lies and the whys.

    And I found out that I am an independent scientologist who has a bridge, and there is nothing miscavige or his church can do, to take that away.

    • Good for you Kathy, very well done. Three cheers for power for beings. I love thee stuff.

    • Kathy, you comment brought tears at my eyes..

      You have so well duplicated everything I mentioned, even in your own life experience. Well done for make it through and for being here.
      I do not feel alone, actually. I was alone before, when I thought I had friends and lovers that in fact I did not have.

      Now my friends are the true friends and I do not think is a just a random coincidence that every night when I go to sleep I feel embraced by love…
      Is the many of you… and my love flows back..
      I think this is truly beautiful!!
      Thank you

  3. I have my own reality on heavy stuff. I have had it bad, very bad in this life. But I am happy for it, very glad it have come my way, or pulled it in. It was there for me to learn from, to measure how much confont I have, it have given me great power to know I can hadle anything [even when somebody tell me jump from the 8th floor knowing I was in bad shape. but not that bad to do so!!] To be able to confront is a ability, a will power, the cause over that is OT doing-ness. Now I look back and I say with great conviction so far I had a great life because I had great lessons to learn from, and from confronting i have found out what capabilities as on OT I have. Which is Infinite.

    • Elisabeth you are a light to many of us… a truly oT… we are lucky to have you!!

    • yes, we bigger beings can handle entheta and theta. both sides. though I don’t wish what happened to me to happen to other people, I lived and I learned, I evolved 🙂 I really understood, what drives a person way down to the bottom and even to think about suicide. I never thought that way ever in my entire life and I had no r on the matter. After all the pain, emotional and physical abuse, I took a good look and I really got and understood why a person would do that. I had 2 choices, 1)lay down and die or 2)get up and fight. I decided to fight and put my postulate there, that someday, I would get my bridge back. I didn’t know, how,why, who, etc. I just knew I would get my bridge back. And I did. And scientology, you take it with you, you carry it over to the next life. Eternity.

      Yes, confronting is an ability and not everybody can do that. It takes alot of balls to confront evil and live through it. More than just case.

      Entheta, something in miscavige’s church they don’t want you to confront. You are easier to control and extract money from. Or as they say 8-c. But miscavige’s church uses bad 8-c. They restim people to get them up the bridge and that is suppressive.
      They restim people to get them to do what they want and take away their determinism. Again so you are easier to control. They don’t try to free mankind, instead they try to enslave it for the glory of money and miscavige.

      I have a saying, lol, life is a journey not a destination and my journey has just begun 🙂

  4. Silvia you may have lost some people as friends by missing their withholds but there are some of us who are of like mind to you,who only admire and respect what you do. Your grasp of how to make pictures talk alone is fantastic.
    You can count me as MR Smith number two , if you are on the other side of the planet I will fill in for Mr Smith number one.
    I to am soloing almost every day and taking control of my universe. Getting closer to the goals that were once promised in the church of shattered dreams. If we just keep soloing things will improve don’t stop to fight the “ker dogs”.

    • Peter Thank you!!
      Please count on me too… There are great achievements to be made and sometimes when soloing every day you run into tough stuff… and I almost feel like there are many of you holding a hand for me helping me to make it thorough.
      And I’m here for you. I want to, because to me is what makes life wonderful and worth living.

  5. Dearest Silvia:

    I have been reflecting on the events that lead us to our friendship and let me tell you how much this means to me. Your thoughfulness for others makes this your blog very valuable. You are the tyoe of person who truly love others and therefore always say or do the right things, as far as I am concerened.

    You have helped so many to heal and to become free from the oppression from the Church. We are happy to see you enjoying life and doing things and looking into a bright new future.

    I am very priviledged to be your friend, because people like you make the difference in this world! Dave says there is not a day that he does not think about you in the theta universe. You are family to us…welcome home! ❤ ❤ ❤

    Aida Thomas

    • now this is what I call theta 🙂
      i love it, just reading it, makes make happy 🙂

      it’s so awesome to know that there are real scientologists out there, like you silvia, aida and elizabeth. it’s nice to be among real scientologists for the first time in my life. 🙂

      • I do not know about you my friends… but I’m ‘earing’ a laugh made of thousands of beautiful butterflies.
        Happy, I feel happy.
        thank you!!

  6. Oh God, your breaking my heart!!!!!!! To be completely absolutely honest, everything you write, ‘me too’. I must get some auditing.
    I was really smashed around. I flipped out at one point, because of all the squashing and threats and duress. the “opposites” – I dont know how to say it. Hm, the way they were protecting someone that should have been comm ev’d and declared a real SP. Instead, squashing me the upstat.

    And my doctor, (a chiropractor) and vitamins helped. (And now I watch him going through something similiar with terrible manipulation). But thank goodness he decided not to exclude me from his services when I quit the gulag – I called him and told him honestly, I quit in writing. I was so scared he wouldnt see us anymore.

    I am starting to feel better just being in comm with outties, that are still pro tech. I see why I flip out on people that are antago, which I have NEVER done before! (Some people have seen me do that on facebook). Silvia, this took such courage on your part to say it out loud…And it’s like what happened IS frozen in time…still bothering me. I have scouted for o/w’s, and even before I quit. I took a look, what did I do to them? Didnt I help them? I couldnt find any o/w’s. Sometimes anger pops up, sometimes I lose my temper, I have thoughts of suing (though some have said do it and some say dont, and some outties got critical of me, gave me eval – which is not what I expected out of the group – and I wasnt being critical).

    On one hand, we are ALONE, and that’s how it feels when we go through these things in the gulag, you feel VERY VERY alone. And yet, look at the similar experiences!!! Only 1 person understood, but by then it was too late, regarding my legal cycle. And hoenstly, if my X didnt get declared for blowing staff, (not for what he did), it would have continued. He was no longer considered valuable anymore, that’s all. I do not and never agreed with people blowing staff as EQUAL to murder, rape, arson…serious perverted out 2D.

    It frightened me when they wouldnt believe me, (yet later all the evidence was FOUND), and even then, protecting him, even to my own attorney protecting HIM. At the detriment of me AND my 2 kids. hey, screw me – but my kids didnt deserve this, no matter the glib, you pulled it in, you are responsible for your own condition, greatest good, greatest number…wasnt I trying to handle it? Improve my conditions by getting him OUT of my life? Yet, I was attacked and slandered all over by my own church, for YEARS. Even forced to stay married to him, give him my money.. While nobody did anything, didnt issue a non enturbulation order, as I requested, when he tried to steal my kid. Calling my jobs, harrassing me, upsetting my boss so I lost my job. Abandoned with the kids…beat up. Slandered to my own family…

    And he’s the super star, and I was getting accused of ’embarressing the church’.

    Just to have someone DUPLICATE what a person went through in the gulag is wonderful. No one but YOU has so far understood, but then we have similar experiences.

    And you know, I have spoken to those that have been OUT for YEARS…they really dont know how it’s been recently in the gulag. It’s much much worse than what they experienced – hey, I was in since 1979. I was there in the early days as well. (LL).

    It’s like communism with nazism enrolled in a ball. It’s worse than that. I began to see these people as CRAZY. yet, I was wondering for my own sanity. It’s NOT scientology. And I cant think of a word for it.

    • to Mary Lee,

      You are not alone. This is their operating basis towards women.

      If you want to sue the church because you are in pain and want to put ethics in on them so this doesn’t happen to anyone else, by all means, get a great lawyer and take them to court.

      If you want to up the ethics gradient, then a class action lawsuit would suffice.

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