“Well if you are going to live a life without sensation,

feeling, communication, ARC, understanding

and a few other minor quantities, why live?



…because the things I’ve named

are the pay you get for living;

and there’s no other pay.




The pay is communication, sensation, ARC, understanding,

cooperative endeavor, enthusiasm over goals, activity;

the feeling one is going someplace or doing something.

These are the only payments

that can be made to anyone for living.”




29 Dec 1957  (Ability Congress) by L. Ron Hubbard.





The only reason I was still alive it was him.

I was telling myself “I want to look at him jogging one more time”.

I use to drawn pleasure from looking at his smiling face.


I could see his day…

today he had a very important shooting

at the studio.


I mean, this man was a happy, successful man.

He had everything he wanted.

But his happiness, the reason he felt so happy

it was because of me.

I was there with him.


He was so proud of me.

He tought I was the coolest person in the world.

I think he had read every single one of my books

at least twice.


Sometimes he would just start discussing

a phrase, a concept…

And I would wake up

not knowing what and were.

Lately it was rally easy to me to just close my eyes

and drift away.


But I remember admiring his admiration.

Now that I had the love,

the family I always wanted,

I was ready to go.



I adored the care he had for me,

the little attentions,

but I hated the fact that, each day,

he felt blessed just because I was there, with him…


I hated that because I was ready to go

and he was keeping me from leaving

My body felt tired and weak.


Come on mom, let’s go.

it is good for you to walk. It keeps you healthy!!”


That’s what we do every single day together,

our special walk to Central Park.




He has been the reason why I wake up

and I do not just let the wind fly me away

in its peaceful motion

during my mornings or afternoons naps.

I still coming back every time,

just because I know he is going to walk through that door

and he is going to smile  once more while looking at me

sitting in my cozy chair.


…and he is going to tell me about the girl he just met

and the new things they talked about

reading one of my books.


But he does not know

I do not remember what I wrote.


And just because of that smile,

of that joy, I cannot float away.

I hold on every day

just to present him one more smile.



He sits by me for hours,

asking me to tell him about the new discoveries

the magic,

but when I ask him

to let me go,

he turns his head away

like that moment did not exist…


I give in because I well know

what it means to not have a family, in the spiritual sense.


And I push and push this body.

I drag around this tired bony body

a little bit more.

Just to get to the same 5 pm,

so he can open that door again

and smile happy while looking at me.



But today even his enthusiasm

and my wish to make him happy

seems not to be enough.

I cannot wait to get home and to let this eyes close.


“Rick, … it is really time for me to go!”


He hugs me holding gently onto my body.

Slowly, slowly we start heading

 toward the road.




“Rick, it is really time for me to go home.”


“We are going home mom,

so you can rest.”


“No, Rick,

I’m sorry but I really need to go home this time.”


He stops. And everything stops with him around us.

The cars are not moving anymore.

There is nothing else alive.


There is only the sound of his heart

pounding so hard  to stop him from breathing

and to make me tremble like a dead leaf.


His all world has lost its colors

for a moment, and for that moment

his fear brings me back.


He has now understood what I meant.


No more words.

I just feel his hand holding mine

with the same love you would hold

the beautiful and delicate hand of a child



I feel him not wanting to let me go.


Pretending to stop the time,

like a strong powerful wind which holds you back.


It is a very long, heavy walk home for me,

I can barely carry the body.


A long walk that seems to last a lifetime.


“Where are you going to go?”

He asked me quietly, while watching me

from the side of the chair.


“Thank you. – I answer him. –

I have friends who are waiting for me, remember?”

I smile.

“Thank you Rick for letting me go.

You know I could never leave you without your consent.

You have given me

what I always wanted: a family.


You have made my trip

a very special trip.


I wish you to remember,

that there is not past and there is no future.

There is just the beauty of being.

Of perceiving. Of Creating joy

for others to feel.


There is no reuniting or departing

where space doesn’t exist.


You do not need to remember me,

because we never existed.

we are only existing in “now”.

And every time you feel me,

is because our “now” coexist.

We are in that NOW together.

So, you always have me and I always have you.”

He agrees.

I feel peace in him now and

it makes it easy for me to go.


He is one of the few who really knows

what I’m talking about.

I can feel it in my heart.


And so with a smile I let my eyes close and I fly free.


It is an amazing sensation this freedom from a body,

from the lies of time.


There is no past for me, there is no thinking of him

or of who I was or I have been.

There is only knowingness.


He still jogs every day at the park.

At times I know I’m in his thoughts

and I smile.

And so does he.






and do what LRH wanted them to do:



The ‘Center of Advanced Spiritual Research and it’s Applications’ is NOW open in Texas and Italy.

We unite spiritual beings

while helping OT’s to live as OTs.




I’m a Class VI auditor, 2 Flag Internships  and an OT7+

and I’m auditing daily on the solo’s upper levels on the OT band.




My team and I are available to travel in USA and Europe.

We deliver in English, Spanish and Italian.

Center for Spiritual Research and its applications



ITALY: Silvia Kusada/Maurice Pascal


Silvia Kusada


Class VI (SHSBC), Class IV C/S and OT 7+.



  1. to leave to live again… how lovely!!!

    • the next step… I would say to leave to LIVE…
      love u Elizabeth I know you, like me, you are smiling at this.

      • Yeeees, I am “beside my self ” out… not in…read my new post i have dedicated that Cog to Merlin, since the comm. with him brought that om! love.. light..

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