The trap of admiration…





This is not about my life, it is about my research

into the various traps of the of the material universe.


The last few years have been very interesting to me.

I started to accept help,

and in the moment I did,

I started to have an incredible affluence of it.

But every time something beautiful

was coming to me on a form of help, admiration or appreciation,

I had the feeling something was wrong.

Part of me was fighting it,

and I started to fight that part of me that was rejecting help.


Now I understand a bit more.

All my past studies in Tibet, the knowledge gained at the time

still are with me in form of knowingness.


Receiving help is an inflow, and what an inflow does,

is putting you attention inward, on you.


It gives you a position in space

while it tells you

that your body represents you

and, in a sort of way,

that you better be your body if you want attention,

if you want to survive.


To many people I represent the freedom they do not have, their way out to a monotonous life, of a world they do not like but they "know" they have to live.
But when they get close to me they realize that my world is not all about smiling and flowers and sex. It is about truth, it is about a continue research and fighting again the subtle suppression of this society and a middle-society way of thinking.
So they feel forced to face to their problems and they start protesting against me.
"You supposed to be our way out to the dream land, and you are not doing that!". They are not protesting me, they have never seen me in the first place. They are protesting against their idea of me... they are demanding from me to be the woman they thought I was and to make their dreams come true....

It is the opposite side of the introversion by invalidation.

You validate or invalidate someone too much

and you get the same result.


And Introversion it is,  even if accompanied

by two different emotions;

sad or happy to be seen.


But does not matter if you are looking inward

because all the world is cheering at you,

or because you have been just made feel like a piece of ‘crap’.

The result is that every time you look inward

you are becoming smaller and therefore more solid.


Any way, few years ago, having had a big sense of failure

I decided to change my operative base

and to let the inflow in, the admiration and love.

It did not feel to good especially when was directed to this body,

but I have been working hard to balance the flow by

helping people.

… recently something odd happen.


I considered this inflow-outflow

losing its balance.


When OSA started to attack me,

I had more love, care and admiration flowed to me,

that I was ready to handle.

I felt popular and beautiful.

I felt true love from many sources,

and few envy flows from some others.

But the majority it was an incredible tsunami of love

and admiration.

Surprisely it did not feel good.

I made me feel like MEST (solid-heavy).

The beautiful trap of admiration.


I felt selfish.


I thought to myself:

“I have to exchange the flow.”

I had an urgent need to balance it!!


I was thinking about it.

Thinking is bank.



What it was clear to me now it was how easily

you can fall in the trap of popularity.

In the having to continue to be in a certain way

to not disappoint others or in order to continue to

receive love and support.



LRH himself mention that fame is not a good thing,

it gets you stuck into a valence.

… I have this very clear now.


With it, out it goes your freedom.

I couldn’t wait to be alone and with the use of meditation

(soloing) to handle all the masses connected to the

need to be loved, need to be seen,

need to not change, to not disappoint,

afraid to piss off people because your popularity,

having too much love or too little love,

and any thought related to this.

The must-have or not-have are both aberration.

They are an unnecessary addition

of the simply existing.

By meditation (soloing) and by eliminating

this facets of havigness.

I can maintain my freedom.


As Krishnamurty say:

We all want to be famous people,

and the moment we want to be something

we are no longer free.
Jiddu Krishnamurti


“I  restore myself when I’m alone.”

Marilyn Monroe


To live a pure unselfish life,

one must count nothing as one’s own

in the midst of abundance.




My statistic?

What it is that gives me real joy and makes me feel

I have achieved something?

Have the people I have helped directly or indirectly made a further step toward freedom?

Has there been an increasing of love, empathy and care?


That is what it is important to me.


Help as an outflow.

Actually it is not even that

when you are above the

flows motions of this universe.

It is an individuality which melts into an allness

while keeping you an individual.

When you making somebody happy, when you help somebody win

when somebody gains a step toward freedom,

you are getting it all.

Boundaries, limitations, space…

it is all a trick of this universe.










and do what LRH wanted them to do:



We unite spiritual beings

while helping OT’s to live as OTs.




I’m a Class VI auditor, 2 Flag Internships  and an OT7+

and I’m auditing daily on the solo’s upper levels on the OT band.




My team and I are available to travel in USA and Europe.

We deliver in English, Spanish and Italian.

Center for Spiritual Research and its applications



ITALY: Silvia Kusada/Maurice Pascal


Silvia Kusada


Class VI (SHSBC), Class IV C/S and OT 7+.

  • March 2012
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